FB Info til Nov 2

changed person (for better or worse?).
boyish.
kid at heart.
practical and sensible.
sarcastic.
hardheaded.
listener.
taciturn in speech.
routine fanatic.
glutton.
fantasy books digger.
usually calm.
territorial.
sugar and spice and thunderclouds.
untraditional loner.
5 minutes attention span.
good life lover.
dense.
stable and simple.
flexible if needed.
homebody.
PERFECT (not!).

i'm always branded as a snob. maybe i am, maybe not. might be because i never render false courtesies, or my general coldness towards non-friends. i reserve proper conversations only to people close to me, and take my sweet time to loosen up to someone. so if these make me a snob, then so be it. :)

there was a point in my life when i could only spout bitterness, hate and angst. i won't deny it, and i can't say i'm that glad it happened. but at the same time, i'm thankful it brought me some of life's precious lessons that can only be comprehended when experienced first hand.

i live each day one day at a time, spending it with the people i love and things i love to do. i've gotten past the stage of wanting to please people and living up to their expectations. i'd rather regret something i've done, than fret over those i haven't done.

privacy is something of premium value to me. i don't appreciate it when someone imposes on my personal space bubble. in fact, i dislike attention, even crowds. i can be very hesitant in disclosing my memories, especially secrets.

also, i...
crave for sweet things
puke from bloody and gore-y movies
love to laugh
hate the feeling of waking up sweaty all over
adore my three favorite cousins-iman, banji, ilin
look down on bitches and man-bitches
save for my dream house
splurge on books and footwear
notice cellulites on legs
ignore provocative articles of clothing
remember to return favors
forget to rest
go for what i think i deserve and afford
run from stray dogs and the dark

i'm a person full of contradictions, a combination of past lives of once-great, died-trying-to-be-great and not-so-great people.

and did i mention i can be really talkative when i want to?

Ramblings

I just wanna be better.
...look better
...do better


It's so frustrating that no matter how good my plan is, I can't push through with it. Guess I have to change this attitude and plow mercilessly into what I want.


What is it that would keep me going when it gets tough?
I just want people I love to be proud of me. I wanna be happy. I wanna give and give until it hurts no more. I wanna have more than enough so each time somebody asks, I could give without restraint.

Noob Fashion Inspiration

Some outfit inspirations.. Thank God for picture blogs! At least I won't have to spend on magazines. Yeah, I could be stingy like that. Thanks to chictopia for these photos! :D


A perfect look for a relaxing weekend without looking too relaxed.


I was elated when I saw this dress 'coz I got a similar one. Finally, an addition to my everyday look!


This look is very wearable and simple.. You won't look as if you're trying too hard to be chic.


There's something about autumn fashion that's so romantic...


The blazer is sooooooooooooooooooo me! And I covet the shoes! I love mannish articles of clothing.


I love the booties and the dress! So wearable here in the Philippines! :D

Down

Now I know how Hanna must have felt whenever she messages Bill before and didn't get any reply. It feels awful. Do you recall the feeling you get when you extend your hand for a handshake, and yet the other person didn't seem to notice or purposely ignored you? That's what I'm feeling, only ten times worse.



See? Not even a like or any acknowledgment for that matter.

Maybe the reason why I'm like this is because when I wrote that I am expecting a sweet reply, or maybe we'll have a series of status comments goofing around. Anything, but no reaction!

And I can't force someone to say the L word if they don't feel like it, right? And besides.. I don't want to think anymore. Just let me eat and sleep in peace after this!

Stupid soap operas and high school romance animes! Stupid Twilight! Making me think that all boyfriends are as sweet as candy. Foolish me..

I'm super disappointed tuloy.

First Rejection as an Instructor

Earlier this day, I went to UPHSL in Binan. With my beaming smile and an unemployed's enthusiasm, I pass my resume, thinking at the back of my head that the UP insignia would catch attention. True enough, as the recruiter scrutinized my resume, she stopped for a second when she saw where I graduated. As I was getting ready to leave and hear the line, "we'll call you for scheduling", I was instructed to buy a folder with fastener in their University Supplies Center. When I came back in the recruitment office, I was then given forms to fill out and psychology exams to answer. Piece of cake, really (I could be a braggart, I know). After the second test, the examiner gave me their list of pre-employment requirements, instructed me to come back after lunch to submit what I already have, and scheduled me for an interview. I left the university hopeful.

+++

It's scorching hot on my commute home, not to mention the presence of an aromatic (not!) garbage truck. I don't have any issues with the garbage people, but man, they sure stink!

My stomach seemed ready to erupt due to hunger, but I kept it at bay. I chanted the mantra "I'll just eat at home, I'll just eat at home" repeatedly. I have to save every penny I could since
two people (me and Ian) are living off my meager allowance for the meantime.

I'm getting dizzy trying to search for a Cebuana Lhuiller that is within walking distance. No such luck. Gotta have a tricycle ride for 9php to get to one.

After wiring the money, I faced a predicament: spend 21php or get burnt while walking home in noontime? I chose the latter. I know right, I could(!) be a cheapskate. Pfft.

When mom arrived home, I was arranging my pre-employee requirements and excitedly told her about what happened and what is about to happen. Like any good mother in the world, she encouraged me and said that I could do it.

I left the house in high spirits.

+++

I was immediately given an essay questionnaire when I've reached the examiner's question. "What do you expect from this job?", I read number 1. Aha! Easy! "What motivates you?" - ooh! This will be fun! I tried to finish all essay questions in less than 30 minutes. Also, I noticed that i write slower than before, maybe because I don't have enough practice lately. There and then, the fire of my being an author dream ignited! I have to write better and faster next time. I can't be reckless.

+++

Interview period...

Interiewer: "Are you a LET passer?"
Eli: "No, Ma'am."
I: "Do you have a Masteral degree?"
E: "None yet, but I'll be enrolling next semester."
I: *while looking at my resume* "Are you a Psychology grad?"
E: "Sociology."
I: "Do you have counselling experience?"
E: ...
I: "I'm sorry. It's either you need a LET or Master's. Or a Psychology degree to at least be a guidance counselor."
E: "I'm applying for instructor, ma'am."
I: "You need to at least be a Psychology graduate."
E: "I may not be a Psych graduate, but I have units. And if you'll look in my Psych grades, they're excellent."
I: "Yes, they are.. But still, you're not a graduate."
E: ...
I: "Anyway, I'll be keeping this for... *yadda, yadda* You may apply again when you have your Master's degree."
E: *smiles* "No, thank you."

FAIL!!!

You guessed right. I left the university crushed.

+++

I didn't bother riding a tricycle back home. I felt so down, I want to walk off all the negativeness I felt.

While walking home.. I felt a little better because I realized that they're not the ONLY university. There are still hundreds more. I just have to try again and again until I'm accepted.

Screw LET certification, Master's, or Psychology degree (stress: for the moment)! I'll earn them one at a time, eventually.

I Will (A Vow)

I will...

*be the best mother my children and apprentices could ever have.. :)
*provide everything they need
*support them all the way - in their passions, decisions, and growing up stage
*not tolerate their whims
*spend as much time as possible with them
*kiss and hug them until they reach the certain age wherein they'll be too embarrassed by it
*cook for them
*listen to their stories
*have fun with them
*live what i teach them
*persevere to succeed in life for them
*make sure that they'll be proud of me, my husband, our family, and themselves

My three favorite cousins aka apprentices - Emman, Banjie, Eline

Since Ian and I don't have our own family yet, I'll just be the best daughter for my mom for the meantime. :)

Materialistic Wishes for the Next 12 Months

I'm not a big fan of splurging or shopping sprees, but it doesn't mean my eyes don't go wide as saucers when I see a coveted gadget, or my dream car, or a gorgeous article of clothing for that matter. Also, close friends and family would often say that I slave for work, but tend to forget to reward my self for a job well done. So to remedy that and finally realize my self-worth, I'll be creating this wish list.

When my spirits are low, or when I'm needing that mental kick on the butt to shake me from seasonal laziness, I'll just reread this blog for a surge of competitiveness. Haha. You may wonder 'competition with whom?' - with my complacent and passive self.


1. Canon EOS Rebel T2i



Current price: $899.99 (x43 = Php38,699.57)
I know I already have a digicam, but I realized during cosplay events that it was a haste to have bought it in the first place. It just doesn't capture what you want to achieve. So there, I want a noob photographer's dslr for my 22nd birthday. And also to further enhance my skills and fuel my interest in photography.


2. Apple MacBook



Current price: $999 (x43 = Php42,957)
I'm not really in a hurry to buy a MacBook, or any laptops for the coming months, since I'll be staying at home and have a PC here, so this isn't a need. However(!), if a good soul (I'm hoping my big bro or uncle) would gift me this, that would be very, very great.


3. Kotseng Kuba / Volkswagen Beetle



Current price: I should be able to strike a maximum of Php20,000 deal + Php10,000 for overhauling and painting jobs
KYAAAAA!!! My first ever dream car! I want mine shiny black with a white gothic spray paint of 'death note' on one side. I've totally wanted this since high school. Hopefully, I'll be able to earn enough to finally afford one in the next 12 months. *fingers crossing*

4. Blender



Current price: Php700-1,000. But I'm expecting this as a gift though. :)
Now, don't go and give me that WTF look. I recently discovered that I have a potential in cooking, so having a blender would make me improve on my new craft. And hey, who doesn't want a healthy and inexpensive fruit shake available anytime you want?


So there! Hopefully, I'll be able to give my damndest to achieve these things for the coming 12 months. So I'll be working and earning my best every single day. :)

Choices

everything is a choice...

simply waking up and dragging your ass to work is an indication that you chose to work that day. i don't care if you're grumbling under your breath that you could spend your precious time elsewhere. even if there are conflicting emotions present, you still chose.

i hate it when people complain they don't have a choice.

open your eyes, please. it's there in front of you. you just choose not to see it.

pathetic.

wherever you are now, you've chosen it. stop blaming your parents, stop blaming your bosses, stop blaming your spouse, and for fuck's sake stop blaming destiny.

don't tell me you're in that particular situation because some-fucking-body forced you to be there. no. you're there because you chose to yield, instead of fight. you're there because you chose to hold your piece, than speak.

you're in charge of everything that's happening in your life. keep that in mind.

you're powerful. stop your mind from saying otherwise.

***author is irate while writing this. fatalism sucks!

Effects of Holding Back My Tears

so we got back, and broke up again. what the fuck.

if there's one thing that makes me go nuts, it's uncertainty.

what will become of us, really?

i know what i freakin' want, how about you?

i'm starting to hate you. you're turning into a complete ass. i don't know you anymore.

my gut tells me you're stringing me along.. i can't help but doubt.

shit. i gotta stop this. i'm starting to become pathetic.

if we can't save our relationship, i'll at least save my pride. self-worth is way more important than a deteriorating love anyway.

gotta get over this, and focus on my career. it's all i have now (aside from my loved ones of course).

Wala Naman

Ang sakit.

After ng break-up ko sa una kong boyfriend, di ko naisip na mas masakit sa pangalawang beses.

Hindi ko na nga kinayang mag-english.

Sa totoo lang, wala na kong ibang masabi dito kundi... Masakit. Sobrang nasasaktan ako... Sa nangyari, sa mga nangyayari, sa ginawa nya, at sa mga ginagawa nya.

Gusto ko nang lumipas to...

Kung wala na talaga kami, sabihin na nya. Hindi yung kung anu-ano pa yung nilalagay nya sa facebook at tinetext sa kin. Para alam ko kung saan ako lulugar.

Masakit maghintay. Masakit umasa. Masakit maghiwalay. Pero kung hindi mo alam kung alin sa mga yun ang gagawin mo ang pinakamasakit.

***

Magre-reply na ko sa mga text nya para makipag-ayos. Magiging matapang na lang ako kung ano man ang maging resulta.

Pero aminado ako sa sarili ko na sabihin mo lang na nagsisisi ka at magbabago, at ako pa rin lang ang mahal mo, pakshet, di ako magdadalawang-isip na kalimutan lahat. Hay...

Pusong-mamon talaga ko.

I Will Take You Forever... No More

We broke up.

There. Simple and direct.

I've been holding my tears for three straight days. There were times I've slipped, couldn't control shedding some. But now that I'm done with my test for the month, it feels liberating to finally let my guard down and just cry.

***

I'm listening to our song right now. And I can't help but just cry harder. Louder.

***

Life goes on.

***

"That I will take you forever And there will never be anyone else in my heart... but you"

Sweet!

My heart melted then and there. :')

Greenery

Ever since I've joined Haribon, I've always wanted to go here. But due to budget constraints, numerous org activities, and stressful academic requirements way back in college, I always forget this itinerary in my mind. But when I saw Bethany's photos taken in La Mesa, man, my fire to visit this place was rekindled.


I wanna have a boat ride; do rapelling, wall climbing, and paintball; and swim!! (Ok, maybe I could skip the paintball part) Yey!! And of course, have a stroll in the whole park. I'm so excited! I made Ian promise that we'll go here in July. La Mesa, wait for me. Triple yay! :)

***Apologies for the numerous exclamation marks. I tend to do that when I'm excited. :)

Til the next post. And oh, watch out for the pictures.

Bliss

I've missed Ian. I'm really happy we're okay now, and happier.. The redundancy is intentional, mind you.

I was wrong when I judged him before. I felt terrible for it, but hey, I've made up for it now.

It's cheesy to write this.. But I'm about to burst.

I truly love him.

So there. I know I haven't said this to him in person, but it's true. He may have faults, but he's the best boyfriend for me. Don't worry, I'm not gonna rave about him, 'coz that's just so fangirl-ish... And scary.

I don't know where life could lead us, or how long our relationship could stand time and its tests. But I feel so blessed, having found someone whom I could share my geekiness with, and bring out the better in me.

I love you, Ian.


The reason why I'm not ashamed of broadcasting this? 'Coz I know he won't be able to read this. *wink*

***Reading this note, I relaized I've lost my writing style. But it's never too late to develop a new one, right? Guess I really have to brush up my skill, else, it'll fade.

Direct Way to Success

I'm on a new account now! It's more expensive, more stable, and gives way mooooooooore importance to quality than my previous one.

So there... I'm given another shot to have a better beginning. I hope I'll have my chance again, and succeed this time on being a trainer.

***My trainer was also an alumna of UPLB, but she graduated a year ahead of me, and yet she's now a trainer! I was suddenly pressured when I learned this. Gah! Double time, Eli!

Emotionally Frustrated

It's not really in my gentle(?) nature to complain about a person's attitude. But man, I couldn't help venting out to *** earlier about his actions, or lack thereof, lately. I really have no intentions of coming across as a nag or demanding, but I couldn't contain it anymore.

He's so different these days. Busy with FB, his cellphone, and work.. Irate and takes offense about the littlest things.. Distant and cold.. Threatens to end the relationship whenever we argue.. I could endure these, and just wait for things to return to normal. But pushing me away when I'm trying to be affectionate? That's too much.

I'm not paranoid. And to be honest, I'm trying not to unleash the green-eyed monster in me. I couldn't help thinking that there's... You know. It's not that I don't trust him, but there's this feeling that something is definitely going on.

I guess I'll find out in the next few days.

Til the next post. Ja ne.

My Definition of Success

I've always thought that if you have no clear idea of where you wanna go, you'll end up nowhere, or worse, stuck in one place.

I've read books and articles about fulfilling one's dreams. And I always notice a recurring theme: once the protagonists knew what they wanted most in life, it signaled the start of their journey towards their Personal Legend. Though at first, they have no idea where to start, it didn't cripple them to inaction. They act. And after their initial move, little by little, they map out their path towards their goal.

Way back in college, my close friends would laugh at me whenever I tell them that my first job would be in a call center. Good compensation for a fresh graduate like me was just my secondary reason for entering. I can't explain it, but you know the feeling that "you just have to be there"? That's what I felt. So I followed that instinct, that little voice nagging me to have a shot at this industry.

That was my initial move. Was I stuck? No, I don't think so. Because I was able to take basic Nihongo lessons, meet the love of my life, and overcome my shyness in conversing with foreigners, albeit just on phone. And during idle moments, like when I'm waiting for that *beep* on my Avaya to signal the next call, it made me ponder on what I really want in life.

So I made this checklist, to be read and updated as needed, to check my progress in my arduous and educational climb to success. And I measure my success in different terms, like career, relationships, charity, and self.

CAREER

'Coz really, as a modern lady, having a flourishing and satisfying career is a must.

• Finish a certificate course in early childhood education
• Take a Master's degree in education
• Pass LET
• Be a pre-school teacher
• Be an entrepreneur
• Start any business
• Grow it
  
• Make it famous!
  
• Put up my very own school
• Study in Japan
• Be excellent in Nihongo
• Teach English in Japan
• Design English learning modules for Japanese kids
• Teach Nihongo
• Pass all JLPT levels

RELATIONSHIPS

You may be the richest and most succesful person in the world, but without happy relationships, everything would be meaningless.

• Maintain communication with my BFF's
• Peaceful relationship with my immediate family and future in-laws
• Attend at least one Haribon and Socius activity yearly
• Healthy and ever-evolving relationship with my boyfriend
• Closeness with my 3 favorite cousins: Emman, Banji, Eline, my godchildren and nephews
• Have a mentor and an apprentice

CHARITY

WIthout sharing, how could mankind ever survive?

• Sponsor a child in World Vision
• Help my 3 cousins finish their education
• Set up a Literacy campaign to little kids

SELF

Everything else is just darn depressing without self-worth.

• Disease prevention
• Healthy lifestyle: at least 6 hours of continuous sleep per day, 8 glasses of water per day, EXERCISE!, avoid junk foods
• Be pimple-free
• Have that much-needed braces
• Dress and look my best every single day
• Have a learning project every year
• Finish one book a week, one tv series a month, one anime a month
• Maintain this online journal
• Never stop writing anime reviews
• Continue writing scripts and short stories
• Publish a book
• Optimism always :)
• Stop being lax
• Fulfill every promise I made

So there, this would be my roadmap to MY success. Though I'm in no rush, I won't tolerate inaction on my part either. Thankfully, I have supportive friends, frank family, and sometimes-submissive-and-sometimes-dictatorial boyfriend to give me some tough spanking or a caring hug as needed.

I thank The One Above for blessing me with such wonderful people. And I ask for continuous determination and vigor on my part every single day as I travel this road.

'Til the next post. Ja ne!

Payday Blues

I'm freakin' pisst. What kind of company gives less of your expected salary? I didn't wake up early at night and commute my sleepy ass all the way to Makati for this... Triple sigh. But I know that no matter how much I rant and curse here, it won't increase the money in my ATM. Gotta complete that dispute form tomorrow! My deserved salary should be reflected on my next payslip, or I'll... I'll sue, maybe.

Some part of my brain is telling me to not let this slide.. That this is unforgivable! That workplace like this doesn't deserve my 'hard work'. That I should go looking for greener pastures.

**********
After a kulitan session with my cousins...
**********

But I do have a purpose as to why I haven't resigned yet despite this 'injustice' and my pimple breakouts due to everyday sales quota pressure. I always tell myself and others that being in this BPO is my choice, and a part of my dreams' blueprint.

I remembered that 'sacred' moment, as I was signing my job offer, that I made a vow to myself that "this will be my first and last call center job". So I wouldn't pack my things for this one mishap.

That's why I will persevere... No, scratch that. I AM PERSEVERING. I am doing all I could everyday to meet those goals. I maybe not be the best at this trade, but heck, I'm learning it. I may not hit the highest matrix, but I won't ever trade my integrity for some cold, hard cash (this is outside the point of this paragraph, yeah, but I felt like mentioning it).

But anyway, nothing beats a tiresome two-week labor and frustrating payslip than a sumptuous meal with someone dear to you.



we have no picture taken together. is that weird for a co.. a co-.. eek! it's cheesy to say! fine. is that weird for a couple? *dies to the sheer sappiness of the word*



'til the next entry! ja ne!

Life Starts @ 21

this blog would contain bits and pieces of my fabulous, arduous, and generally good life. topics might range from life-changing, and thought-provoking, to snore-inducing and tear-jerking, depending on my mood.

when will the camera love me?

join me in this rollercoaster ride to my dreams, as i encounter everyday pressures and pleasures, together with the loves of my life, like:

my pansot

and the bestfriend. :)


oh sh*t, i'm behind my sleeping time. gotta go. 'til my next post.