Cheesy

I miss you.. I really wanna see you.

But for the meantime.. I'll live my life as fully as possible, so that when we finally meet.. We'll enjoy sharing stories.

Miss na miss na kita.

A Good News

I'm happy.

I'm finally given the chance to be an HR Assistant.

The pay sucks.. But I know I'll be better off here in the long run. I hope I'll get my success in this field.

Like what the two most important people in my life said.. Endure.

Eureka

I realized something.

As to why I'm acting all pathetic and loser-y..

I'm in l-

Argh.

I'm in lo-

I'm in love. Again.

Bat ngayon pa..

Reality Check

Para kong tanga.. I've been sad 2 days in a row just because of a simple text.

"i hope you don't get offended but i don't see any reason to update you on anything.. You're already expecting too much.."

Damn right.. Unknowingly, I'm expecting. I'm ashamed for it.

Pero kung pag-asa din lang, parang apoy lang ng kandila yun, ok? Di mo kelangan gamitan ng fire extinguisher. Alam ko naman talaga na wala lang eh.. Alam ko yun dati pa.

Tama na nga tong drama. Natatakot na nanay at mga kuya ko.. Nakatulala lang daw ako sa kwarto. Haaay.

Cheer up na Eli!! Fight!!

:-(

everything's just so fucking sad..

i realized that i'm acting pathetic and like a loser these days, but i can't help it.. am just soooooo down. screw the hormones!!

i thought im ok in terms of moving on from the break-up.. but i guess not so fast, huh? it's not that i wanna get back with my ex.. hell no.. i'm just angry with myself for being so fucking blind and coward for not finishing the relationship sooner. even though we're not together anymore.. i can still feel the weight of my mistakes. every day, every time i go to work, every time i open my wallet.. it hurts.. because even though you did everything you could to make ends meet, to follow through with your goals with the other person.. it was still not enough for him to value you, or what you've shared. i dont want him anymore.. i dont want someone who cant appreciate.. it just hurts because the person i've loved more than my family for some time, is a total asshole. and im stupid enough not to realize that earlier.

i'm also miserable because of work.. it's meaningless. i find no fulfillment. the pay's also bad. basta ayoko na.. i dont wanna go to work anymore. god. i dont wanna work for someone.. just for myself. and it hurts because i don't have the capacity to do this yet. i feel trapped to work because of my debts.. which is sad.

and i dont wanna open up about the third and main reason for my depression.. it makes me feel.. shit. yeah, it makes me feel like a shit. worse than a shit. i dont know, i feel lonely just thinking about it. i feel so bad, because im going against everything i believe in, so that's like betraying my ideals.. and that makes me rotten. and i know that even if i worked my ass off my whole life, i couldn't make up for this. i'm despicable.

FB Info til Nov 2

changed person (for better or worse?).
boyish.
kid at heart.
practical and sensible.
sarcastic.
hardheaded.
listener.
taciturn in speech.
routine fanatic.
glutton.
fantasy books digger.
usually calm.
territorial.
sugar and spice and thunderclouds.
untraditional loner.
5 minutes attention span.
good life lover.
dense.
stable and simple.
flexible if needed.
homebody.
PERFECT (not!).

i'm always branded as a snob. maybe i am, maybe not. might be because i never render false courtesies, or my general coldness towards non-friends. i reserve proper conversations only to people close to me, and take my sweet time to loosen up to someone. so if these make me a snob, then so be it. :)

there was a point in my life when i could only spout bitterness, hate and angst. i won't deny it, and i can't say i'm that glad it happened. but at the same time, i'm thankful it brought me some of life's precious lessons that can only be comprehended when experienced first hand.

i live each day one day at a time, spending it with the people i love and things i love to do. i've gotten past the stage of wanting to please people and living up to their expectations. i'd rather regret something i've done, than fret over those i haven't done.

privacy is something of premium value to me. i don't appreciate it when someone imposes on my personal space bubble. in fact, i dislike attention, even crowds. i can be very hesitant in disclosing my memories, especially secrets.

also, i...
crave for sweet things
puke from bloody and gore-y movies
love to laugh
hate the feeling of waking up sweaty all over
adore my three favorite cousins-iman, banji, ilin
look down on bitches and man-bitches
save for my dream house
splurge on books and footwear
notice cellulites on legs
ignore provocative articles of clothing
remember to return favors
forget to rest
go for what i think i deserve and afford
run from stray dogs and the dark

i'm a person full of contradictions, a combination of past lives of once-great, died-trying-to-be-great and not-so-great people.

and did i mention i can be really talkative when i want to?

Ramblings

I just wanna be better.
...look better
...do better


It's so frustrating that no matter how good my plan is, I can't push through with it. Guess I have to change this attitude and plow mercilessly into what I want.


What is it that would keep me going when it gets tough?
I just want people I love to be proud of me. I wanna be happy. I wanna give and give until it hurts no more. I wanna have more than enough so each time somebody asks, I could give without restraint.