:-(

everything's just so fucking sad..

i realized that i'm acting pathetic and like a loser these days, but i can't help it.. am just soooooo down. screw the hormones!!

i thought im ok in terms of moving on from the break-up.. but i guess not so fast, huh? it's not that i wanna get back with my ex.. hell no.. i'm just angry with myself for being so fucking blind and coward for not finishing the relationship sooner. even though we're not together anymore.. i can still feel the weight of my mistakes. every day, every time i go to work, every time i open my wallet.. it hurts.. because even though you did everything you could to make ends meet, to follow through with your goals with the other person.. it was still not enough for him to value you, or what you've shared. i dont want him anymore.. i dont want someone who cant appreciate.. it just hurts because the person i've loved more than my family for some time, is a total asshole. and im stupid enough not to realize that earlier.

i'm also miserable because of work.. it's meaningless. i find no fulfillment. the pay's also bad. basta ayoko na.. i dont wanna go to work anymore. god. i dont wanna work for someone.. just for myself. and it hurts because i don't have the capacity to do this yet. i feel trapped to work because of my debts.. which is sad.

and i dont wanna open up about the third and main reason for my depression.. it makes me feel.. shit. yeah, it makes me feel like a shit. worse than a shit. i dont know, i feel lonely just thinking about it. i feel so bad, because im going against everything i believe in, so that's like betraying my ideals.. and that makes me rotten. and i know that even if i worked my ass off my whole life, i couldn't make up for this. i'm despicable.