Wala Naman

Ang sakit.

After ng break-up ko sa una kong boyfriend, di ko naisip na mas masakit sa pangalawang beses.

Hindi ko na nga kinayang mag-english.

Sa totoo lang, wala na kong ibang masabi dito kundi... Masakit. Sobrang nasasaktan ako... Sa nangyari, sa mga nangyayari, sa ginawa nya, at sa mga ginagawa nya.

Gusto ko nang lumipas to...

Kung wala na talaga kami, sabihin na nya. Hindi yung kung anu-ano pa yung nilalagay nya sa facebook at tinetext sa kin. Para alam ko kung saan ako lulugar.

Masakit maghintay. Masakit umasa. Masakit maghiwalay. Pero kung hindi mo alam kung alin sa mga yun ang gagawin mo ang pinakamasakit.

***

Magre-reply na ko sa mga text nya para makipag-ayos. Magiging matapang na lang ako kung ano man ang maging resulta.

Pero aminado ako sa sarili ko na sabihin mo lang na nagsisisi ka at magbabago, at ako pa rin lang ang mahal mo, pakshet, di ako magdadalawang-isip na kalimutan lahat. Hay...

Pusong-mamon talaga ko.

I Will Take You Forever... No More

We broke up.

There. Simple and direct.

I've been holding my tears for three straight days. There were times I've slipped, couldn't control shedding some. But now that I'm done with my test for the month, it feels liberating to finally let my guard down and just cry.

***

I'm listening to our song right now. And I can't help but just cry harder. Louder.

***

Life goes on.

***

"That I will take you forever And there will never be anyone else in my heart... but you"

Sweet!

My heart melted then and there. :')

Greenery

Ever since I've joined Haribon, I've always wanted to go here. But due to budget constraints, numerous org activities, and stressful academic requirements way back in college, I always forget this itinerary in my mind. But when I saw Bethany's photos taken in La Mesa, man, my fire to visit this place was rekindled.


I wanna have a boat ride; do rapelling, wall climbing, and paintball; and swim!! (Ok, maybe I could skip the paintball part) Yey!! And of course, have a stroll in the whole park. I'm so excited! I made Ian promise that we'll go here in July. La Mesa, wait for me. Triple yay! :)

***Apologies for the numerous exclamation marks. I tend to do that when I'm excited. :)

Til the next post. And oh, watch out for the pictures.

Bliss

I've missed Ian. I'm really happy we're okay now, and happier.. The redundancy is intentional, mind you.

I was wrong when I judged him before. I felt terrible for it, but hey, I've made up for it now.

It's cheesy to write this.. But I'm about to burst.

I truly love him.

So there. I know I haven't said this to him in person, but it's true. He may have faults, but he's the best boyfriend for me. Don't worry, I'm not gonna rave about him, 'coz that's just so fangirl-ish... And scary.

I don't know where life could lead us, or how long our relationship could stand time and its tests. But I feel so blessed, having found someone whom I could share my geekiness with, and bring out the better in me.

I love you, Ian.


The reason why I'm not ashamed of broadcasting this? 'Coz I know he won't be able to read this. *wink*

***Reading this note, I relaized I've lost my writing style. But it's never too late to develop a new one, right? Guess I really have to brush up my skill, else, it'll fade.

Direct Way to Success

I'm on a new account now! It's more expensive, more stable, and gives way mooooooooore importance to quality than my previous one.

So there... I'm given another shot to have a better beginning. I hope I'll have my chance again, and succeed this time on being a trainer.

***My trainer was also an alumna of UPLB, but she graduated a year ahead of me, and yet she's now a trainer! I was suddenly pressured when I learned this. Gah! Double time, Eli!

Emotionally Frustrated

It's not really in my gentle(?) nature to complain about a person's attitude. But man, I couldn't help venting out to *** earlier about his actions, or lack thereof, lately. I really have no intentions of coming across as a nag or demanding, but I couldn't contain it anymore.

He's so different these days. Busy with FB, his cellphone, and work.. Irate and takes offense about the littlest things.. Distant and cold.. Threatens to end the relationship whenever we argue.. I could endure these, and just wait for things to return to normal. But pushing me away when I'm trying to be affectionate? That's too much.

I'm not paranoid. And to be honest, I'm trying not to unleash the green-eyed monster in me. I couldn't help thinking that there's... You know. It's not that I don't trust him, but there's this feeling that something is definitely going on.

I guess I'll find out in the next few days.

Til the next post. Ja ne.

My Definition of Success

I've always thought that if you have no clear idea of where you wanna go, you'll end up nowhere, or worse, stuck in one place.

I've read books and articles about fulfilling one's dreams. And I always notice a recurring theme: once the protagonists knew what they wanted most in life, it signaled the start of their journey towards their Personal Legend. Though at first, they have no idea where to start, it didn't cripple them to inaction. They act. And after their initial move, little by little, they map out their path towards their goal.

Way back in college, my close friends would laugh at me whenever I tell them that my first job would be in a call center. Good compensation for a fresh graduate like me was just my secondary reason for entering. I can't explain it, but you know the feeling that "you just have to be there"? That's what I felt. So I followed that instinct, that little voice nagging me to have a shot at this industry.

That was my initial move. Was I stuck? No, I don't think so. Because I was able to take basic Nihongo lessons, meet the love of my life, and overcome my shyness in conversing with foreigners, albeit just on phone. And during idle moments, like when I'm waiting for that *beep* on my Avaya to signal the next call, it made me ponder on what I really want in life.

So I made this checklist, to be read and updated as needed, to check my progress in my arduous and educational climb to success. And I measure my success in different terms, like career, relationships, charity, and self.

CAREER

'Coz really, as a modern lady, having a flourishing and satisfying career is a must.

• Finish a certificate course in early childhood education
• Take a Master's degree in education
• Pass LET
• Be a pre-school teacher
• Be an entrepreneur
• Start any business
• Grow it
  
• Make it famous!
  
• Put up my very own school
• Study in Japan
• Be excellent in Nihongo
• Teach English in Japan
• Design English learning modules for Japanese kids
• Teach Nihongo
• Pass all JLPT levels

RELATIONSHIPS

You may be the richest and most succesful person in the world, but without happy relationships, everything would be meaningless.

• Maintain communication with my BFF's
• Peaceful relationship with my immediate family and future in-laws
• Attend at least one Haribon and Socius activity yearly
• Healthy and ever-evolving relationship with my boyfriend
• Closeness with my 3 favorite cousins: Emman, Banji, Eline, my godchildren and nephews
• Have a mentor and an apprentice

CHARITY

WIthout sharing, how could mankind ever survive?

• Sponsor a child in World Vision
• Help my 3 cousins finish their education
• Set up a Literacy campaign to little kids

SELF

Everything else is just darn depressing without self-worth.

• Disease prevention
• Healthy lifestyle: at least 6 hours of continuous sleep per day, 8 glasses of water per day, EXERCISE!, avoid junk foods
• Be pimple-free
• Have that much-needed braces
• Dress and look my best every single day
• Have a learning project every year
• Finish one book a week, one tv series a month, one anime a month
• Maintain this online journal
• Never stop writing anime reviews
• Continue writing scripts and short stories
• Publish a book
• Optimism always :)
• Stop being lax
• Fulfill every promise I made

So there, this would be my roadmap to MY success. Though I'm in no rush, I won't tolerate inaction on my part either. Thankfully, I have supportive friends, frank family, and sometimes-submissive-and-sometimes-dictatorial boyfriend to give me some tough spanking or a caring hug as needed.

I thank The One Above for blessing me with such wonderful people. And I ask for continuous determination and vigor on my part every single day as I travel this road.

'Til the next post. Ja ne!